we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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