In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
