Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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