so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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