Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
