are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
