Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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