Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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