Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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