My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
