Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
