She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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