Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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