Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
