I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
