Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
