what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
