I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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