i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He passed out mid-signature
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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