I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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