I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
