was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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