Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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