someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
