remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
