but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
