Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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