Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
