Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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