A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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