What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
