i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize