Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
