Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize