Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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