oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
