i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
