Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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