If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
