He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
