so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
