i need an iv and a liver transplant
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
well most of my day revolves around power hour
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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