No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
