My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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