I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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