WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
