In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
In other news, I just burned my penis
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
