Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
