Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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