You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
