nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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