i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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