life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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