just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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