my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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