I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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