Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
