I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
