dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
