you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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